I have ugly frizzy hair that sticks up in the most bizarre way. How do I tame it and FAST?

You can use a flat iron, a no-frizz heat protectant, and a comb to kind of keep it on the down low. Spray your heat protectant and wait for it to dry before straightening your hair with the iron root to tip. Some people find that if they comb their hair through thoroughly before or during the straightening session, it leads to really good results. Once your hair is very straight, you can brush through your hair with dryer sheets or something like that to get rid of any static you may have, then add some shining product or hairspray (non-crispy) to get some hold and/or shine.